Woot® : One Day, One Deal™

Take A Dive

I’ve given up on finding a good dive bar in this town. All the drinking establishments are large, well lit, and feature young women in short skirts and low-cut shirts. That’s just sad.

I don’t think I’m asking for much. I don’t need bright lights and hundreds of brews and spirits lining illuminated shelves. I don’t need whatever’s popular on the radio blaring in my ear so loudly that I can’t hear myself think about everything that’s gone wrong with my life. I want a older fella named Murray who’s just about seen it all to serve me my beverage, not some co-ed floozy who thinks bending and twisting her body in creative ways is going to get her a bigger tip. Young lady, I am here to drink. Your chest, while lovely, does not concern me.

And, seriously, when did they put huge televisions in every single bar? Was there a law passed or something? If I wanted to watch “the game,” I’d watch it on the Auria 26” 720p LCD HDTV at home. The 16:9 aspect ratio with 5ms response time and built-in HDTV tuner is more than capable of entertaining me from the comfort of my own couch. When I go to a bar, I go hoping to hear a story about heartbreak or loss, to reflect upon my own day, and to look like less of an alcoholic to my family and friends, not to see the series finale of some show I couldn't care less about.

Just give me a few neon beer signs, a wobbly bar stool, a sticky floor, and bathroom that looks like its been visited by Satan after a bout with bad chili. Is that too much to ask?

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Now, we've all enjoyed irresponsible games like Rampage where our characters just smash up the city, but… well, we as a society will soon be returning to a post-Tron paradigm. And with our economy now so delicate, do we really want to be sending hundreds of digital people out into the virtual streets looking for virtual work? So we ask you, readers of Woot, if you have a chance today, make a difference for these sprites by losing a few games of Block Tetris.

In Block Tetris you'll be using tetromino shaped apartments to create a little community that will vanish every time you make a line. This means when you win, you'll get the joy of victory! But when you eventually lose, you'll get to know that your strangely-shaped building will be a home to all those sprites that otherwise would wind up on the streets of San Andreas and Liberty City. It's a good feeling to make a digital difference. And doesn't it really help us all?

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Maybe Do Sit Ups While You Watch Dragonball Z?

Nerds and sports. It’s as natural as peanut butter and chocolate.

In the past few years, the words “militant subset” have been used again and again. A few crazy Christians, a few mad Muslims, heck, you could probably even find a few angry Anglicans if you looked around. But the truth of the matter is, it’s a few bad apples that spoil things for the average joe. So why, then, are we letting a little batch of comics fans make all nerds look bad?

Sports have always been about obsession and number crunching, which is why the SiliconDust HDHomeRun Network-Based Dual Digital HDTV Tuner is so aptly named. It combines the cutting edge “silicon” with the timeless joy of a “home run”. And that’s not all! The SiliconDust HDHomeRun Network-Based Dual Digital HDTV Tuner also lets you watch and record digital HDTV right to your hard drive, so you can pause, rewind and fast-forward, tracking down every single stat and being just as obsessive as the dude who’s making an LCARS skin for his iPhone.

Naturally, the SiliconDust HDHomeRun Network-Based Dual Digital HDTV Tuner works on Windows, Mac or Linux, so there’s no excuse for missing out. Unless, for some reason, you’re under the impression that “silicon” and “home run” aren’t compatible. And if that’s what you think, seriously, wise up, Poindexter. It’s the 21st Century. Nerds go to the gym now. And you think some guy who knows how many times Spider-Man fought The Rhino can’t remember Rashard Mendenhall’s yards-per-carry last season?

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You can’t keep my deposit! That’s illegal!

Fine, you win. I’ll vacuum the stupid place before I move out.

Yeah yeah, “a lease is a lease,” I get it. Even though I haven’t had hot water for the 12 months I’ve been here. You know what a year of cold showers does to a man?! Oh, and thank you for educating me that “lessor-controlled heat” translates to “35 degrees in my apartment in winter.”

I’ll just use this Dyson DC22 Turbinehead Canister Vacuum. I don’t care if the DC23 has a bigger bin; it’s cheaper too, but that’s because this one has more power. That means more dirt off the carpet and less time picking fingernails out of my area rug.

YEAH, I BITE MY NAILS! IS THAT AGAINST YOUR PRECIOUS LEASE, TOO?!

You know what? I’m not even going to use the hard floor tool. And forget about the stair tool. I’m sick of slumlords like you pushing people like me around! You think you’re the only one in town offering a two-bedroom with a view in a great neighborhood 20 minutes from my work?

Well an extensive analysis of the rental market indicates that you are, but that’s still no reason to lord it over me!

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CHICAGO (UPI) -- A boy flying alone from San Francisco to Canada missed a connecting flight in Chicago because airline workers apparently forgot about him, his family said.

As an apology, the airline allowed the boy to purchase his $4 bag of chips at a special one-time-only reduced price.

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Hit Happens

ProTools gear? Check. Surefire hit songs like “Love Infarction” and “Keyboard Shortcut To You, Girl”? Check. Now all I need to start my production career is a snappy nickname.

Babyface, Timbaland, Glyn Johns: you can’t be a big-name producer without some wacky made-up studio handle. It can make the difference between Jimmy Jam and, uh, the other guy he made records with, whatever his name was. A good name is part of the producer mystique, like Martin Hannett’s drugs or Phil Spector’s famous “wall of hair”.

I’m just glad I chose to buy all three components of Woot’s M-Audio sale, along with the Pro Tools Keystudio. Now that I’ve got my gear situation sorted out, I can devote all of my mental energy to thinking up a good producer name. I’m not worried about tracking up to 24 parts with the Pro Tools Recording Studio USB audio interface and the included software. Create loops with over 60 virtual instruments and effects? No sweat – or rather, gallons of sweat from the sexy ladies who will soon dance to my irresistible club bangers.

The M-Audio Studiophile Desktop Speakers bring out the intricate details of my productions a lot better than my previous playback system (the tape deck in my cousin L’il P-Nut’s ‘91 Camry). And the Pro Tools Vocal Studio’s USB microphone will capture the soaring highs and rich lows of I’ll need for the vocals on my signature ballad, “Guess Who’s Not Wearing Any Underwear?”. I need a real diva to sing that one; hit me up if you know anybody.

So anyway, that’s taken care of. It’s name time. Musclepig? Curlicue? Pappy Jim, Scourge of the Tetons? Nah, those all suck. And I owe it to my classic songs to pick the most commercial yet unique producer name I can think up – anything less and the world may never get to hear “Red, White, & Thong” or “Unexplained Stain (On My Heart)”. Oh, wait, I got one: Steve Albini!

Nah, sounds too goofy. I can do better than that.

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You guys like movies with mind-bending twists and somewhat confusing endings? Recent movie box office numbers certainly seem to say you do. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to a slightly underground gem that you can now watch for free through Google Video.

Primer was released with very little fanfare back in 2004, but it's gotten a fair amount of street cred among fans of time travel and sci-fi as the years have gone by. Made with only $7000, Shane Carruth's tale of young engineers and paradoxes is a film that almost demands repeated viewings to piece together just what's going on. Sure, you could google the cheat sheet flowcharts that many of the movie's fans have put together, but where's the fun in that?

[via io9]

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Suck It Up

Good for leaks of all types. Well, okay, maybe not ALL types.

How ya doin’, Congress guys? The name’s Vince. You might’ve seen me on television with these Shamwows I’ve got here. I got it on good authority that you guys are havin’ a problem with leaks around here, so here I am to give you an opportunity to really do something about it.

Now look, I’m not here to talk about the past, alright? I’ve got several thousand of these Shamwow Towels 16 Packs in the truck of my car thanks to my severance package with the company, and I gotta feeling they’re just what your looking for to clean up this mess of yours.

You’re gonna spend, what, a few million dollars trying to keep things from leaking every year? You’re throwing money away. You use a few of these and all those leaks are gonna dry up in no time. Say you gotta a little leak that suddenly explodes into something bigger. No problem. The Shaw-Wow holds up to twelve times its weight in coffee, wine, any kind of liquid you throw at it. And you get eight large Shamwows and 8 Mini’s, so the next time somebody wants to leak all over the place, you’re more than ready, I’m tellin’ you. Got a leak in the car? Just wipe and wow. Leak in the kitchen? Wow! Leak in a far off country? Ambassador Wow! It’s just that easy.

What’s that? Information? I thought we were talkin’ about liquids here. Dang. Well, how about some chopped nuts, huh? You’re gonna love ‘em, I guarantee it.

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Ah, New Jersey. Is there no end to the gifts the Garden State is capable of giving us? Your people, your places, your inventions, and your filmmakers have captivated our imaginations for years, it's true. But it is the music that has truly helped define the way we look at you, especially when it comes to the songs of the man known the world over as simply "The Boss". And now, thanks to artist Daniel Cassaro, we can all see Jersey the same way Springsteen does.

Containing over 200 visual references to many of Springsteen's greatest songs, Springstreets isn't a real map of New Jersey by any means, but, oh, that it were. The artist is selling poster prints of his creation right here, should you ever want to take a musical journey through Greetings From Asbury Park up to Born In The USA.

[via neatorama]

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It may be hard for the current generation to fully grasp, but when we were kids, something like this:

was considered to be cutting edge graphics and was why you chased down the very best computer. You'd spend the school day telling the other nerds about how your game had FOUR floppies and so was CLEARLY the best game on the market, and then race home to try and figure out why the raven needed toast before you could get a castle key. That's why today we were all so happy to find that the very latest thing is the Sierra-looking landscapes of our youth. At least we're still cutting edge somewhere! After the jump, Effect Games shows off what HTML 5 can do. Those who can't handle the page can just look at our screenshots.

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